I want some wine with my whine (and other body issues)

I am a grown woman. Well at 5’1″, as grown as I am ever going to get. Older than I want to admit and I have just realized my body type. My whole life I thought I was a pear. The women in my family all thought they were pears. I have a heavier bottom and thighs, therefore I thought I was a pear. After having a couple of kids I finally have boobs. Turns out I’m an hourglass! Wahoo! Isn’t that the shape that women want? Isn’t that what good clothes try to give you, an hourglass shape? I knew I wasn’t doing my body justice by the clothes that I was wearing. Everything turned me into a box. I just needed to find clothes that nip in at the waist. Easy, right? But wait, I am a petite. A petite hourglass. It’s like a fairy tale. As in does not exist. If only I had a personal tailor.

I read all I could find on the internet about my new-found body type (it wasn’t much) and armed with that information I hit the stores. I quickly found that shopping at brick and mortar stores is not going to work. Do people even shop in stores anymore? It was so discouraging. It used to only be shoe shopping that made me feel like a freak. Enough complaining. I know that fit and flare dresses look good on me, so I went to Amazon and searched for some sun-dresses. I found some with defined waists. Turns out I need to change my persona to a rock-a-billy, retro, millennial. Maybe I’ll get some fashion glasses and tattoos. Hmm, maybe not. I have always had a problem with fashion. I just don’t get it. I don’t know how to look like how I want to look. I need Stacy and Clinton or Trinny and Susannah. Please, someone tell me what to wear! You know what looks good on me? Pinot Grigio. I’m gonna have a glass and look at Pinterest.